It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
