You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
