Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
