Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
