"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
