Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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