Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
