The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
