I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
