I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
