Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There are leaves in my underwear?
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