i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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