My balls are so social today.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
