Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
