My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
