It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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