my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
