"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
