I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
