she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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