my phone needs a breathalizer
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize