How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
