Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize