I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I met the friendliest cop last night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
