I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
