whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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