Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize