just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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