He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
