drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
