He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
