hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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