so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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