Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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