u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
