mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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