Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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