I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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