look no pants
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
