so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
