Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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