how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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