i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
