he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
