...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
