i can't believe i had my finger in that
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
