If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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