If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
