And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
