ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
