This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
