Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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