Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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