i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
