I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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