I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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