Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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