I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
