I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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