Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
