I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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