got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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