some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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