I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
