Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
